Another Smart Lawyer
Joe was a successful lawyer, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered
by incredible headaches. When his career and love life started to suffer,
he sought medical help.
After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across
an old country doctor who solved the problem.
"The good news is I can cure your headaches... The bad news is that it
will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your
testicles to press up against the base of your spine, and the pressure creates
one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove
the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live
for.
He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice
but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital he was without a headache
for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important
part of himself.
As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different
person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's
clothing store and thought, "That's what I need-a new suit. "He entered
the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit. "The elderly tailor
eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see ... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's
right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on
the suit. It fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a
new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman
eyed Joe and said, "Let's see... 34 sleeve and 16 and a half neck." Joe
was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60
years!" Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.
As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about
new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe's
feet and said "Let's see... 9- 1/2." Joe was astonished, "That's right,
how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the shoes
and they fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about
some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure." The salesman
stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see... size 36." Joe laughed,
"Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman
shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A 34 underwear would press your
testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.
Italians
Sometimes it's very hard to understand when itallanos speak english. A
bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated
conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her
attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come togeder. I come once-a-mora.
Two asses, they come togeder again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come
one lasta time." "You foul mouthed swine" says the lady," in this country
we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady" said the man. "I'm justa tellin' my friend how to
spella Mississippi."
Blondes
A blonde girl comes back from school one evening. She runs to her mum
and says: "Mummy today at school we learnt how to count.
Well, all the other girls only counted to 5, but listen to me: 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10!
It's good, innit?" "Yes, darling, very good." Answers the mom. "Is that
because I'm blonde?" she asks. "Yes, darling, it's because you're blonde."
The mom says.
Next day, the girl comes back from school and says: "Mummy, today at school
we learnt the alphabet. All the other girls only went as far as D, but listen
to me: A,B,C,D,E,F,G,H,I,J,K! It's good, innit?" "Yes, darling, very good."
Answers the mom. "Is that because I'm blonde, mummy?" she asks. "Yes, darling
it's because you're blonde." The mom says.
Next Day, she returns from school and cries: "Mummy, today we went swimming.
Well, all the other girls have no breasts, but look at me!" She proceeds
to flash her impressive 36D at her mummy. "Is that because I'm blonde, mummy?"
"No darling, it's because you're 25."
GOD'S CHILDREN by Bill Cosby
Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought
that even God's omnipotence did not extend to God's kids.
After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first
thing he said was: "Don't." "Don't what?" Adam replied. "Don't eat the forbidden
fruit," God said. "Forbidden fruit? We got forbidden fruit? Hey, Eve . .
. we got forbidden fruit!" "No way!"
"Yes way!"
"Don't eat that fruit!" said God.
"Why?"
"Because I am your Father and I said so!" said God, wondering why he hadn't
stopped after making the elephants.
A few minutes later, God saw his kids having an apple break and was angry.
"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" the First Parent asked.
"Uh huh, " Adam replied
.
"Then why did you?"
"I dunno," Eve answered.
"She started it!" Adam said
.
"Did not!"
"Did too!"
"DID NOT!!"
Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve
should have children of their own. Thus, the pattern was set, and it has
never changed.
But there is reassurance in this story.
If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give them wisdom and they
haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. If God had trouble handling
children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?
Label Instrutions
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through
stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.
-
On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (
and that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)
-
On a bag of Fritos: ..You could be a winner! No purchase
necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special?)
-
On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular
soap." (and that would be how??...)
-
On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion:
Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion.)
-
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do
not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh! )
-
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be
hot after heating." (...and you thought????...)
-
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes
on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?)
-
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:"Do not drive a car
or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot
to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those
5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
-
On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(and... I'm taking this because???....)
-
On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or
outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what?)
-
On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the
other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
-
On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk
about a news flash)
-
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions:
Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)
-
On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment
does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the
parents for this one.)
-
On a Swedish chainsaw:"Do not attempt to stop chain
with your hands or genitals." (..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
